Deal with Guilt
Easier said than done - ask any parent! If anyone ever writes a job description for a parent, you can bet your life that at the top of the list (or maybe under 'taxi-driver') will be 'Feel Guilty.'
Guilt is not always a bad thing; sometimes it’s what you need to prod you into action and make you sort out a problem. But feeling guilty because you’re never where you want to be and because you can’t live up to your own standards is a Catch 22. We now know so much about our children’s development that we don’t just have crises about their health, we have crises about their psychological make-up and whether we’ll ever forgive ourselves for running for the bus and missing our baby’s first step, school play, or sports day.
Knowledge is a double-edged sword and the only way to handle it is to accept the situation you’re in and aim to get the best from it. Be honest with yourself about the choices you’ve made and why you’ve made them. If you’ve chosen to work you can concentrate on the benefits you’re bringing to the whole family, so take a positive view of what you’re doing.
The important thing is to retain the balance and avoid work taking over your whole life so that your children get pushed to the bottom of the pile. Whatever the reason for working you will have to constantly re-evaluate your priorities and commitments to keep pace with your child.
Guilt is not always a bad thing; sometimes it’s what you need to prod you into action and make you sort out a problem. But feeling guilty because you’re never where you want to be and because you can’t live up to your own standards is a Catch 22. We now know so much about our children’s development that we don’t just have crises about their health, we have crises about their psychological make-up and whether we’ll ever forgive ourselves for running for the bus and missing our baby’s first step, school play, or sports day.
Knowledge is a double-edged sword and the only way to handle it is to accept the situation you’re in and aim to get the best from it. Be honest with yourself about the choices you’ve made and why you’ve made them. If you’ve chosen to work you can concentrate on the benefits you’re bringing to the whole family, so take a positive view of what you’re doing.
The important thing is to retain the balance and avoid work taking over your whole life so that your children get pushed to the bottom of the pile. Whatever the reason for working you will have to constantly re-evaluate your priorities and commitments to keep pace with your child.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by DadsUnlimited on -
So is there anything that can be done? We think so. It may not be possible (or even desirable) to eradicate the feelings of guilt completely, but there are ways that you can feel better about certain work-life situations.
Four ideas
1. Ask Yourself Why You Feel Guilty
Often we talk about guilt as a kind of nebulous thing - we don’t really know why we feel it, we just know that we do. In actual fact there are two kinds of guilt: legitimate and illegitimate.
To illustrate this, imagine yourself driving home one night. As you whizz along, a police car pulls out behind you. You're not speeding; you're driving with due care and attention; and all your lights are working. In fact you're doing nothing wrong. You still feel guilty. That's illegitimate guilt. It's part of the human psyche, but often totally irrational.
Legitimate guilt, on the other hand, speaks for itself. Speeding, careless driving, defective lights and so on. You've done something wrong and there's no getting away from it.
The problem in our work life balance is that our feelings of guilt become confused. We feel guilty about things we have no control over as well as those we do.
So if you can honestly analyse why you feel guilty about a particular situation, you may find yourself reassured that it really was a set of circumstances which couldn't be avoided. This can be incredibly liberating.
On the other hand, if you decide that the guilt you feel is entirely legitimate and justified, it should motivate you to do something about it.
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Permalink Reply by DadsUnlimited on
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Idea 2. Learn from your Mistakes
An obvious statement, maybe, but worth saying nevertheless.
There's a famous quote, the essence of which is that good decisions are born of wisdom, but wisdom itself comes mostly as a result of bad decisions. In today's culture, however, it's easy to beat ourselves up about errors of judgement, or our selfish actions, a long time after the event. It's much better to adopt an attitude which views even big mistakes as potential 'springboards' to getting things right next time. Life is one big learning curve - even if there's legitimate guilt, it's still provides an opportunity to learn from it and move on.
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Permalink Reply by DadsUnlimited on
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Idea 3. Turn It Into Something Positive
Use your guilt to motivate you to do something about the situation. If your work has been taking you away from your family for more time than you know is healthy, use the guilt you feel to resolve to do something about it. With most forms of legitimate guilt, it is normally pretty clear what needs to be done to make amends (even though it may mean swallowing your pride to do it). Ask for forgiveness from the people you need to and think about ways that you can avoid a similar situation occurring again.
Even with illegitimate guilt, it's a good idea to think about whether, over time, there is anything you can change to lessen the chances of similar problems rearing their heads.
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Permalink Reply by DadsUnlimited on
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Idea 4. Start Again
Remind yourself that no-one's perfect and, even when you think you've blown it big time, there's often a way back. Remember that, if they can see that you're doing your best for you and for them, children are generally very forgiving. So accept forgiveness from those you need to and move on. Tomorrow's another day.
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