From Quantity Comes Quality
Last Monday was a quiet day in our office. Snow had swept in through the South East of England and very few people made it in to work. From time to time, one or to individuals - lost souls, diverted from their path to the coffee machine - would come wandering in. Every time (to a man and woman) the following scenario would then be acted out:
Stranded passer by: "Quiet in here today - where is everyone?"
Small group of workers (chorus): "Not here. Anyway, it's quality, not quantity."
Oh, how we laughed…
OK, so this was just one particular occasion, although one which provided an excellent opportunity to slap ourselves on the back for getting to work in the first place. It also had the added benefit of allowing us, on their return, to gently laud it over those of our colleagues who had cited general travel misery (however genuine) as a reason for staying at home.
But, once this particular scene had been acted out a few times, I began to reflect on that phrase - it's quality, not quantity. We use it quite a lot and it trips off the tongue with conspicuous regularity especially when we talk about spending quality time with our children.
Flicking through the paper some time ago, I recalled came across the following headline:
"UK parents spend most 'quality' time with their children"
The article went on to explain that British parents are investing nearly an hour a day more in their children than their European or American counterparts, in spite of a culture of working long hours.
The figures read something like: In 1961, men working full-time spent 11 minutes a day with their children (if working part-time, 10 mins); Today the same group spend 100 minutes (120 for part-timers). In 1961, women working full-time spent 19 minutes a day with their children (if working part-time, 44 mins); today they spend 119 minutes (151 for part-timers)
As far as I’m concerned the figures don’t actually matter. What I want to know is this: when we talk about quality time what do we mean? Quality for whom? Certainly in theory it sounds great. Set proper time aside to spend with the kids and make it count. Often, however, the reality is quite different.
When I stagger in from work every evening, I'm thinking to myself that I've got a couple of hours quality time with the kids. The thing this, this is the best time for me, but not for them. More often than not, they're knackered from a busy day; a bit cranky and moany; and on top of all this we have tea-time traumas to deal with. Quality time? I think not.
For most of us, the truth is that strong relationships grow out of the quantity of time you spend together. And in the middle of all that quantity comes a snippet of quality to savour. I once read that all kids spell love T-I-M-E and I have to agree. They don't really care why we have to work such long hours and can't be there to read them a bedtime story or whatever; or why we have to do so many household chores and can't play with them. All they know is, we're not there for them. And they'll inevitably attach just one important interpretation to it: they're not important or valuable enough for us to make them a high enough priority to be there.
I’m not having a go at us dads who have no choice about when we can be there and when we can’t – all I’m asking is for each of us to take responsibility to make good choices when there is a choice to be made.
So let's ditch 'quality not quantity' - it's quantity and quality they're after.
According to the figures, I only have to spend 101 minutes with my kids today to be ahead of the game. I for one, though, am determined to do much better than that. By the way, I probably should have said – I only heard that the office was quiet on Monday. Because I wasn’t there. I was too busy spending my working day sledging, snowballing and building the biggest snowman we possibly could with Jack, Finn and Will. That really was quality time to get excited about.
Stranded passer by: "Quiet in here today - where is everyone?"
Small group of workers (chorus): "Not here. Anyway, it's quality, not quantity."
Oh, how we laughed…
OK, so this was just one particular occasion, although one which provided an excellent opportunity to slap ourselves on the back for getting to work in the first place. It also had the added benefit of allowing us, on their return, to gently laud it over those of our colleagues who had cited general travel misery (however genuine) as a reason for staying at home.
But, once this particular scene had been acted out a few times, I began to reflect on that phrase - it's quality, not quantity. We use it quite a lot and it trips off the tongue with conspicuous regularity especially when we talk about spending quality time with our children.
Flicking through the paper some time ago, I recalled came across the following headline:
"UK parents spend most 'quality' time with their children"
The article went on to explain that British parents are investing nearly an hour a day more in their children than their European or American counterparts, in spite of a culture of working long hours.
The figures read something like: In 1961, men working full-time spent 11 minutes a day with their children (if working part-time, 10 mins); Today the same group spend 100 minutes (120 for part-timers). In 1961, women working full-time spent 19 minutes a day with their children (if working part-time, 44 mins); today they spend 119 minutes (151 for part-timers)
As far as I’m concerned the figures don’t actually matter. What I want to know is this: when we talk about quality time what do we mean? Quality for whom? Certainly in theory it sounds great. Set proper time aside to spend with the kids and make it count. Often, however, the reality is quite different.
When I stagger in from work every evening, I'm thinking to myself that I've got a couple of hours quality time with the kids. The thing this, this is the best time for me, but not for them. More often than not, they're knackered from a busy day; a bit cranky and moany; and on top of all this we have tea-time traumas to deal with. Quality time? I think not.
For most of us, the truth is that strong relationships grow out of the quantity of time you spend together. And in the middle of all that quantity comes a snippet of quality to savour. I once read that all kids spell love T-I-M-E and I have to agree. They don't really care why we have to work such long hours and can't be there to read them a bedtime story or whatever; or why we have to do so many household chores and can't play with them. All they know is, we're not there for them. And they'll inevitably attach just one important interpretation to it: they're not important or valuable enough for us to make them a high enough priority to be there.
I’m not having a go at us dads who have no choice about when we can be there and when we can’t – all I’m asking is for each of us to take responsibility to make good choices when there is a choice to be made.
So let's ditch 'quality not quantity' - it's quantity and quality they're after.
According to the figures, I only have to spend 101 minutes with my kids today to be ahead of the game. I for one, though, am determined to do much better than that. By the way, I probably should have said – I only heard that the office was quiet on Monday. Because I wasn’t there. I was too busy spending my working day sledging, snowballing and building the biggest snowman we possibly could with Jack, Finn and Will. That really was quality time to get excited about.
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